Being a generally awkward person, I have been to a number of slightly uncomfortable parties. Most likely I will write about some of them at a later time, but a recent one seemed to wrap up a number of potential awkward situations (messuations, as I like to call them) all in one. I will try to categorize them for your reading pleasure (you can thank me later).
First off, these days I feel it is a bad sign when I go into a house party and the lights are mostly off and the music is blaring so loud you can't talk. Also, I will explain that I did not know anyone at the party except for the two female friends I went with, and one of them had been invited by someone at the party.
1. What to do when you realize the person you are talking to is not interesting.
I was standing in a group with my girlfriends talking to two guys. After a minute or two of talking to one of the guys, I realized that this conversation was going nowhere. It was cringe-worthy. It took me way too long to realize I could just angle my body towards one of the girls to end the awkwardness. Even then, though, it was still awkward as now I had my back turned to this poor, nice guy.
2. What to do when you realize the nice person you're talking to probably wants to be hooking up, not just making a new friend.
I realized about an hour in (probably much later than I should have noticed) that this party was basically made for hooking up. Girls were mostly talking to other girls they knew or guys they could flirt with, and most guys were not necessarily interested in just making a friend. Even after I mentioned my boyfriend, guys were still flirting and hoping to dance. Now, I love dancing, and I will even dance with a guy in a semi-grinding way for a brief amount of time. However, if you do not understand the basic principles of rhythm or where your legs go, then please don't try to dance with me. As I am usually pretty sober at these events and very interested in dancing, I feel way too uncomfortable about this type of weird non-grinding, non-structured dancing where we basically wiggle very close to one another. As this was happening with a nice guy, I saw that my female friends were in another room, so I was alone with the guy, wondering when the wiggling could stop. (Our conversation had been nice! But this was...well, not.) So I did what I will from now on refer to as "pulling a Cinderella."
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Uhh, it's a quarter to 1."
"Oh no! It's late! I have to go!"
I immediately bolted to the other room to find my friend to say goodbye. However, at this point I ran into an old friend and chatted with him, so when the dancing guy came in, it looked like I was just fine and happy in this other room. (I will admit that this is true.)
3. What to do when you have a delayed realization that someone is very drunk.
I swear one guy at the party looked like an older, bigger version of Harry Potter. When one of my friends mentioned this to him, he said no one else had ever said this before. (Liar!) Anyway, he didn't really have much to talk about for the first half of the party, but later in the night, he came over to me and was dancing up a storm! It was great! And then I realized...oh, he's very drunk right now. Part of me was relieved and danced with him instead because he was being funny and most likely wouldn't even remember this anyway. Still, I find it very strange to suddenly realize that someone is not just being very funny and social, but incredibly wasted.
Anyway, I will admit there were some pretty entertaining moments of the night including s'mores, good apple cider, and fun dance music. Not the wiggling, though. Never the wiggling.
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i have a feeling your blog will make me realize i've not experienced a lot of stuff that perhaps most people my age would have experienced. for better or worse.
ReplyDeleteSome proposals:
ReplyDeleteQ1. "What to do when you realize the person you are talking to is not interesting."
A1. There's an art to conversation - and the introductory communication between strangers is its own genre. The first step is usually to assess the other party's motives and interests - and if there's any chance whatsoever, to find the right subject for mutual connection. Current events is a favorite opener, but can be risky if political or controversial. Sometimes, like in dancing, you just have to take the lead, and give the weaker party time to talk and signal when to stop.
Sometimes I ask what it is that a person does - and if it's in a field that experiences innovation I ask "what do you think is the most interesting and important recent development in your field" Usually it's something they feel passionate about, which puts them both at ease and associating their positive feeling with you - an old salesman's trick.
If you conclusively determine early on that there's no chance of accomplishing your aims, the trick is to find the most polite way of implying this that the person is sufficiently savvy to understand. I've found a good way to terminate a conversation with a reasonable smart person is to say, "Well, this had been great. But I'm sure I must be taking up all your time here when there are so many opportunities to meet all these people that I know you wouldn't want to miss." If they're quicker than the average greyhound, they'll smile and depart with grace.
Q2. "What to do when you realize the nice person you're talking to probably wants to be hooking up, not just making a new friend?" This person is not interested in "making friends" as an alternative - a gentle equivalent to "you're wasting your time, you should move on" will usually work fine, and is respective of the other person's right not to have false hopes built up. We live in an era of overconfident wishful thinking based in loose thinking - and we could all use a little more brutal honesty at times.
Q3. "What to do when you have a delayed realization that someone is very drunk?"
A3. From experience, I've learned to always pay close attention to a people's consumption of alcohol and their levels of inebriation precisely for reasons like this, but also because I've seen enough tragedy to be cautious. People become increasingly unpredictable and impulsive as they become more intoxicated. I withdraw from drunk strangers precisely because there is a real chance of unknown danger.